Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your replies. It's true, some things are just meant to be and I definitely accept that. I've calmed down a bit today. But I'm still worried about what's going to happen with my situation at home. A baby will always be welcome, I love children and I feel much less daunted with the idea of a new baby than I did with the first two. It's not the baby I'm scared of. I will explain more about it when I get a chance to write on FC...
Anyway, I'm so glad that this forum and all of you exist, I can talk to you about it but it can remain a secret IRL for a while longer

I can start contributing to the 'pregnancy updates' thread, hooray! Maybe it will help me to feel positive about being pregnant again.