by busmother » 13 May 2016, 10:54
I was trying to think what my strategies are. Often what happens is she asks for something, I say no and, as she always has done, she'll then give me an entirely sensible argument as to why she should have it, but in a really whiny way. Either I am swayed by her arguments and let her have whatever it is, or I get really annoyed with the whining and stick to my guns, at which point she gets really upset. StJ, I didn't think it was anything to do with the baby, but now I think about it, perhaps I have gone with the easy option of letting her have her way, despite the whining more often than I should because I'm tired or distracted. And the combination of school and baby means she does get a lot less mummy-time than she used to, and she is much more needy now as well - won't go off to play by herself or with W but wants to be with me, doing things with me.
I have always tried not to say no to things unless I really need to, but there seem to be a lot more grey areas now than when they were smaller where I'd rather she didn't do something (usually because it's messy / needs a lot of input from me), but I could probably accommodate it if I re-thought what we were having for tea / spent more time tidying up later on etc. And actually given how much time we waste on the aftermath of the negotiations and tears, we probably would have just as much time. Writing this down, I do just need to give her more time and accept that she needs it rather than getting frustrated because she used to be so self-sufficient. She loves No3 and playing with him, so there's no direct resentment, but inevitably it has changed our relationship.
As far as strategies for the tantrums go - not very systematic. The actual lying on the pavement one was on the way to school, so going to the room was not an option. I think I just dragged her along with me and sat her on a wall to calm down before we went in. I was fuming with her - it was something really stupid (to me), though I can't even remember what it was. Normally I try and ignore her or send her to sit on the stairs if she's being really disruptive. She hates being on her own so being sent to her room would be a really really harsh punishment for her. But she will argue and try and shout me down even just sending her to the stairs, so I tend to only even try it if I'm really fed up. I'm such a bad parent! Clearly totally inconsistent and unhelpful. Must do better!
Mother to twin buses, born 2010, and number 3, born 2015