Nightmare toddler acting out- help!

[junglewonderland]

Koala is not coping with the arrival of junglebaby. Our sweet boy has turned into a tantrummy, toy throwing, floor peeing, grumpy nightmare. Yeah, yeah, I know all the stuff, spend 1:1 time with him when baby is asleep, involve him in baby's care, talk up being a brother, have special activities for feeding time. He is not interested in any of that and every suggestion or command is met with a no, unless it is watching tv or eating junk food (which obviously we are trying to limit, his behaviour is even more appalling after tv). It doesn't help that he started preschool a week before JB arrived. I need to spend more time with him but it's hard when the only time he wants me is when I'm feeding JB and he is so horrible I don't want to be around him.

How long will this last? How can I stop shouting at him? Help!

[Where'stheMistletoe]

(()) It's a really tough stage, Wriggles really struggled with Baby Girl and we had a really tough first year. I found some good stuff on the A-ha parenting website. One thing was to play a game with him when I chase around after him saying how much I love him and don't want to let him go, really playing it up so he finds it funny but also helps fill his neediness - I think it was in a games article on the a-ha website.

Also, I wouldn't necessarily talk up the being a brother so much but maybe if he's being stroppy when the baby is demanding you talk about how it can be tough to be a big brother sometimes despite also being lovely, and how you sometimes miss it being just the two of you but you can still have special time.

Speaking of special time, I also did what we called "special Mummy and Wriggles" time when Baby Girl was asleep. I actually called it that so even if we were doing the same stuff as we would otherwise do, he knew it was special. And during that time, I would say we would have 20 minutes of doing whatever he wanted to do and I would totally concentrate on that - it usually ended up longer and I would tell him this, saying it was because I was enjoying it so much.

ETA: http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-t ... telligence

[EnigmaFish]

Yes, Kleintje was really hard to deal with at first, too. Koala sounds like he's very similar.
What helped us cope was having her dad (my DF) and her grandpa (my dad( around to help. They made a big fuss over her when I couldn't. I really like WM's suggestions. If the other adults in his life could also follow those, that would be great.

[junglewonderland]

Thanks for the link WM. I tried some of that game yesterday and it went quite well. The idea of naming your time together- brilliant!

EF, he has had lots of input from jungleman and our mums which is great.

[mamapup]

Some good advice here. It is so incredibly hard at the beginning. The puppy wasn't great then either but he was younger so in some ways it was easier... Although a whole lot harder in others.

Just know he will settle down and get used to JB being here and having to share you. It's an adjustment period for all of you. I didn't find that the puppy wanted to help we it little Croc much either. We did a lot of "gosh, doesn't she love you, she thinks you're so amazing because you can do x or y or you're her amazing brother, still do, both ways actually. And lots of "can you believe you were so llittle, look at his tiny feet, you were like that". We looked at lots of pics of him when he was small and talked about all the things we Did for him. And sometimes told little Croc she couldn't have mummy because it was puppytime. That was really hard but sometimes he needed.to hear it.

[junglewonderland]

Thanks mp, it is improving, slowly. Cutting back on visitors and toddler groups has helped a lot, then there are less people to share mama with.

[emzit]

We didn't have much drama with munched at 2.5 years gap but I put a lot of that down to the fact that we bathed him in attention. Mummy time whenever possible and I still put him to bed where would would have stories and cuddle till he fell asleep. I don't do that now but I think it was important then. It's also been good for dh and squish - he is much more daddy friendly than muncher was at the same age and will actively want him when he's upset sometime. Much to my disgust.

[junglewonderland]

Wow, that's great emzit. I think a big part of the problem is that JB is so unhappy, if he is awake he is screaming so to give Koala time is hard. But not impossible, I could put in a bit more effort.

[emzit]

another thing we did was to make the same explanations to squish that we did to muncher about why we were giving attention to the other - so if muncher was sad I'd say to squish that I was sorry but muncher needed me and sort him out while dh had either a happy or upset squish. I think it helped him see that things were fair.

[mamapup]

Yes, we made it 'fair' too. Meant little Croc got told off (sort of) when she was tiny so that the puppy could see he came first too. And she was told that she had to wait when the puppy needed me. Now she's told off properly she couldn't care less though so b swings and roundabouts!

[DandelionFrosting]

Just ((((JW)))). We did what Emzit and MP did, telling the little one she had to wait her turn, plus talking up how babies are boring and all they do is eat and sleep and cry, and I was glad I had my big Saurus to play with. But mostly I just muddled through somehow, so I don't really have any good advice. Just wanted to give you a big hug and say that you're doing fine and Koala will be okay. He's not ruined for life or anything -- I know you know that but I just thought I'd say it anyway, you know, just because -- and he'll be back to his normal loveable self eventually, and in a year or so they'll be sneaking off together to pour salt all over your K-room and conspiring to break into the snacks, and you'll wish they hated each other again. ((((JW))))

[junglewonderland]

Thanks DF. Your two look so cute playing together!

Yesterday I got jm to look after the baby and I took koala for a ride on my bike. We used to ride at least once a week but I couldn't ride when I was pregnant so it's been aaaaages. He was so happy, he kept saying "this is so lovely, I don't want to go home" and his behaviour was so much better afterwards.

[nearlymumtobabyfk]

Oh how lovely jw, that must have been just gorgeous

[mamapup]

Oh lovely. I bet you both had a fabulous time.