Will it ever end?!

[lizandimo]

I feel like we've been potty-training forever. We initially started last September, then took a break after a couple weeks because she wasn't quite ready/I was too busy to properly help her learn. We started again around November I think and it's been a bit up and down since then. She'll go through periods of being really great, hardly any accidents, to then having loads of accidents again. I'm pretty sure she knows when she needs to go because when we're out, she always tells me and has never had an accident when we're not at home (lucky!) She also went through a period when she was always telling me she needed to go at home too, but then for some reason stopped telling me.

As of about January/February, she's in pants full time during the day but I am the one instigating the toilet visits most of the time. Sometimes she is very cooperative, and sometimes she fights going. We'd just had a really good run of a couple weeks with only 1 or 2 accidents and then yesterday we had a really bad day, 3 accidents. I had been using chocolate as bribary but I didn't really want to keep giving her that much chocolate so today I started a sticker chart, which she seems quite into so far.

Am I doing something wrong? All my rl friends seem to have spent a month or two maximum and their kids (same age or younger than DD) were completely potty trained. I know she's still young really, but if we want her to start preschool in September she has to be fully independent toilet-wise. Maybe she's still not ready and maybe I have unrealistic expectations, but honestly I don't want to have to go back to nappies after all this time (and pull-ups are so expensive full-time! We're using them at night).

Sorry for the long whiny post, I think I just need someone to complain to, DH just keeps telling me not to get frustrated and that she'll get there eventually, but he's not the one worrying all day about when the last time she pee'd was and he's definitely not the one cleaning up the accidents!

[junglewonderland]

We were at that stage for ages, and I remember stj writing a similar post at one stage too. Koala could go to the toilet himself but once the novelty wore off he would mostly go, unless there was something better to do. It got to breaking point for us when he kept getting up several times during the night to take his night nappy off and go to the toilet, and he would wake us up to do that. So we decided he needed to be completely independent with toileting during the day, so that he would be a step closer to not waking us up all night.

We bribed with TV. For every independent toilet visit he would get to watch an episode of Peppa Pig. This was very motivating for him and it all just clicked. He would go to the toilet when he needed to without me nagging or helping, and kept this up when we phased out the rewards a few weeks later.

I hope the sticker chart works! It can be such a frustrating time.

[Lily]

It didn't take us so long, but I think rewards/motivation were the key here too. I did a sticker chart with bigger rewards when he finished a row. I included some goals that were easy to reach, like peeing in his potty, so he would rack up plenty of stars and feel good about the whole enterprise, and then some that were harder, like staying dry all day.

He was also dry away from home first. We had a very frustrating episode where he'd been brilliant when we were away on holiday, then we came home and he went back to having accidents. I think it was just about feeling more relaxed and casual when he was home, and not being on best behaviour. I was pretty firm about my expectations - I explained that I knew he could do better, and that I expected more from him. I think there's a line to be drawn between patience with genuine accidents, and allowing them to take advantage when they can do it and they're just being lazy.

[lizandimo]

I think maybe we should have started with bribary/rewards from the beginning. For now she gets a sticker for every wee or poo on the toilet, but if this one is a success next time I might make it that she only gets a sticker if she tells me herself that she has to go and then does. She was excited this morning to put another sticker on and there will be a little prize halfway and a bigger prize at the end.

I think there's a line to be drawn between patience with genuine accidents, and allowing them to take advantage when they can do it and they're just being lazy.

I'm glad you said this because it's pretty much how I feel but I wasn't sure if I was being too harsh! There have been a number of times where she has been in the middle of something or watching TV and I'm sure that's the reason she's had an accident. I figured she wouldn't like to be wet and that would help her not have accidents but I really think she's a kid that doesn't care about it!

[UnhappyRightFoot]

I feel your pain! But in a word, yes it will end. And you aren't doing anything wrong.

My 2 were completely different to train and both came with their own particular brand of (pickle in particular!). But they do get it.

It's not too late to go with the stickers/rewards and they can always be re-introduced if there is regression. We used to have 1 for a wee, 2 for a poo, 1 for requesting potty/toilet (regardless of whether or not anything came out), 1 for accident free morning/afternoon (which increased to a full day) and a special treat at the end of the week. If it's her requesting that you are trying to push, then perhaps 2 stickers for requesting? Do what works for you.

Also, expect to have to keep reminding her for a while. It was several months before I started to pare back the reminders. It used to be: when she got up, mid morning, just before lunch, mid afternoon, just before dinner, just before bed. Also, before we went out anywhere. I started to drop the "at home" reminders after a few months, then the "out" reminders. But even now (they are almost 6 and 3 3/4) I will tell them to go when they first get up, before meal times, before we go out and before bed. Their minds are on other things most of the time and leave it until the last minute and beyond.

Pickle still has a few accidents - mostly stress related such as when I was in hospital - but she's pretty reliable now. So for both of them, I would say I could switch off from "training" at around 3 1/2 - 4 years old. (with both, they started shortly before they were 2 1/2. And I find if she has accidents, it is rarely just 1! Usually, she'll have a lousy day or couple of days! (first time in hospital, 5 accidents each day for 4 days and several for the following few days)!

I know (from bitter experience) that it IS massively frustrating when they don't/won't get it or respond (Pickle poo'd in her knickers every day for 11 weeks. EVERY SINGLE DAY. Despite telling me that she should not poo in her knickers and that she should go to the toilet!). And if anyone says they have potty trained without losing the plot is telling porky pies. I don't believe it is possible!!!!

Don't be afraid to go back to pull ups for days or parts of the day when she may be particularly prone to accidents. Someone advised me of that here when I was at my whits end on week 10. If she hadn't poo'd by the end of her afternoon nap, we put her in pull ups. It transformed us. Totally took the pressure off us both as, when she did poo, I wasn't having to put her in the bath and poke the crap down the plug hole, while trying to get it out of her clothes, wash her, re-dress her - usually around the same time that dinner was ready!!!! We were relaxed about it, it didn't set her back with her wee's and within 6 days, she poo'd in them for the last time!!!

And finally, don't fret about pre-school. They are fully aware that children of this age will have accidents!

[StJuniper]

I potty-trained P for, like, a year and a half! I would put him in underpants, get discouraged with all the accidents, and switch back to diapers-- over and over and over. Then one day slightly after he turned 3, he just was ready. I no longer had to fight him for potty visits, he was telling me he needed to go. Almost exactly a year later, very similar happened with night dryness. I'm not going to be pushing things with R, I feel justified in a lazy he'll-get-there-when-he-gets-there attitude!

[lizandimo]

Thanks guys, I don't feel like I'm the only one now!

HF - I don't know how you did 11 weeks of poo's! We had only a couple weeks of constant poo's and I was so frustrated with just that amount of time!

Yesterday was better, only 1 accident and she even woke me up early this morning to tell me she needed a wee and then went back to bed after she'd gone!

So, I have another question - I know you're supposed to tell not ask, but what do you do if your kid starts yelling 'No no no I don't need to go' and kicking and screaming? I generally leave it at that point because I don't want her to be upset about going to the loo, but there have been times when I've actually carried her and sat her on the toilet (like when it's been ages since she last went and she's been dancing around a bit) and she has gone, so she's obviously sometimes just kicking up a fuss because she doesn't want to stop doing what she's doing at the time and does in fact need to pee.

[lisbeth]

It definitely will end! We had a pretty bad time with A, and it felt like we would never get there, but when it did, it was very sudden. With R it all went very smoothly until now when he has got a bit complacent, and doesn't want to stop what he is doing. When he clearly needs to go I try to be encouraging, and sometimes offer something fun to do afterwards, but he still ends up with a fair number of pants that are a bit wet. It doesn't happen when he's paying more attention - when we are out - and A did the same, so I wonder if it's a bit of a learning process - transitioning from responding to my suggestion to actually being independent. I get cross sometimes... Well maybe more than sometimes... but maybe they need to make mistakes to learn when they really do need to go?

I hate potty training - it's by far the hardest thing we've had to do, so I hope it gets better for you soon!!

[LucyLastic]

If I'm completely honest, I could sometimes do with my Mum to keep reminding me to go for a wee before I leave the house! I remember to get C to go and then forget myself :-/

Eta Sorry, I realise this post doesn't help you at all!

[babydsmummy]

I smugly though J was sorted in about 3 weeks of 'proper' toilet training (admittedly at the ripe of age of 4 3/4 but he has SEN). Then the novelty wore off. So we are in a similar boat to you - dancing around squeezing the life out of his bits shouting 'I reeeeaaally don't need to go!'. I bribe/threaten at that point at the moment - not great but it usually works and tbh threats work better (eg taking a toy away). He is also much better when out - I think he likes the novelty of toilets in other places. We do get lots of damp patches but not so many full on accidents!! He was taking himself initially and clearly does know when he needs it, so I know we will get back there, eventually.

D had several regressions, although I put those down to life changing events - J being born, moving house, new nursery. But who knows, it may have happened anyway. I have to believe that there will come a time when I no longer have to worry about anyone else's wee and poo. And maybe one day I will miss that - maybe!! I really hate potty training - the absolute worst bit of parenting IMO.

[emzit]

Muncher was pretty quick (when he was ready he spent 2.5 days of flatly refusing to go to the loo whether asked or told them suddenly just got it and has had very few accidents since) so no experience with the time taken, but one thing I use to get him to really consider if he needs the loo, or is hungry, or whatever, is ask him to stop and listen to his body. He's always seemed happy to stop for ten seconds and think and tell me either no, his body doesn't think x or actually, yes it does. And then it had the added bonus of funny sentences like 'mum, my body just really doesn't want to wear that tshirt today'.

[yorkshirepudding]

I did the dragging him to the toilet thing, which did upset Moo, but he did seem to follow my explanation that as he'd just done a massive wee when he said he didn't need to, he obviously needed me to help him go. I think it lasted a month ish. Now he usually tells us, sometimes does the dance and says look at me! And I have to focus enough to realise he wants me to ask if he needs the loo, strange boy!

I did do chocolate raisins for every wee, then for telling me when he needed it (and actually did something!). He really didn't want to poo in the toilet/ potty to start with, so that required a box of 'poo cars', and when he'd got all 10, he was a poo expert, and he'd kind of got weeing then too, so he got a bigger truck as an expert reward as an end to rewards. We do the 'what does your body say?' too, and I still do ask him, and sometimes insist he tries before we go out if he hasn't been for a while. He's learned to pause the tv which has helped so he doesn't miss any awful to whilst weeing! Still leaves it too late, and still pees his pants about once a week, sigh! No signs of not needing a pull up at night yet. Good luck!

[lizandimo]

If I'm completely honest, I could sometimes do with my Mum to keep reminding me to go for a wee before I leave the house! I remember to get C to go and then forget myself :-/

Eta Sorry, I realise this post doesn't help you at all!

It made me laugh, so that helped!

I'll have to try asking her what her body says, sometimes getting her to focus on what I'm asking and not on what she's doing is hard, so that might help.

We had a couple better days anyway, she got the halfway present on her sticker chart (glitter glue because she asked for a sparkly present!) and we haven't had an accident for a couple days. I did do what HF mentioned and put her in a pull up for a day just so I could calm down about it all a bit and I think that's helped me at least. Shes started telling me she needs to go at home again too, so that's an improvement.

I really hate potty training - the absolute worst bit of parenting IMO.

I totally agree so far, and to think I was stressed when she started weaning, I had no idea!!