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Is he really not ready? Or just being stubborn?

PostPosted: 07 Nov 2015, 16:32
by eterna
So in August, we switched DS to undies cold turkey. He had been doing well with naked time and was interested and seemed ready. It took longer than I thought it would to get through a day without accidents, but he seemed to be doing pretty well with pees. If he did pee in his pants, it was always just a small drip and he'd get the rest in the potty. Poos always in undies though. We had to fire our nanny and start him at daycare and he definitely regressed at that point and was having at least one major pee accident a day (like all the way down to his shoes). So after 2 weeks they told us they thought he wasn't ready and to start sending him in pull-ups. I resisted as I didn't want to take a step in the wrong direction. That weekend though, he was a star at home, no accidents and he even did 3 poos in the potty which I thought was a major breakthrough. But 2 more months down the line and it is getting worse. He will hold his pee for so long, do the whole dancing around, holding himself, even yelling Pee pee, but then as soon as you say anything about the potty, he starts screaming that he doesn't want to go pee, he doesn't have to go pee, etc. So I've been trying not to push him and we talk so much about listening to our bodies, and being a big boy etc. but then he just refuses to go until it's so desperate that he pees as he's pulling his pants down because he waited so long. I was gone for work this week and DH was going crazy with it and was threatening to put him back in diapers. This morning it took so long to cajole/convince/bribe him to do a pee before we went to play despite the clear need. I finally managed to get him to go by finding a different toilet seat with elmo on it for him to use.

So what's up? Is he really not ready? After 3 months in undies you would think that he would get it. But I can't tell why he is now hating the potty where at the start it wasn't a problem. Poos are so frustrating too, he will literally be standing in front of you pooping and saying "no i'm not poop" right to your face even though 30 seconds before that he says that poos go in the potty etc.

I did cloth diapers but I sold them all so I'd have to start buying disposable pull ups and the thought of that makes me cringe. I'm worried once he realizes he's got diapers again, he'll just be fine with them and then we'll end up just going through this whole thing over again anyways later...

Re: Is he really not ready? Or just being stubborn?

PostPosted: 07 Nov 2015, 16:43
by Ali70
Hugs, its so frustrating isnt it? We had similar although to a lesser extent. A couple of weeks in sproglet was holding wee and getting really upset at the thought of using the potty. We asked her if she wanted to go back to nappies and she said yes. So we did.

Every morning we asked her if she wanted a nappy or knickers. She occasionally asked for knickers and we said that meant she had to use the potty and she changed her mind. Then after about 2 weeks she said she wanted knickers and would try the potty again. And she got it from then, better at nursery first than at home but we just followed her lead and she got there.

I think it depends on the child. Sproglet likes time to think things through and come to terms with stuff. And she was keen to wear knickers, just needed time to get her head around the potty thing. So for her, stopping wasn't a step backward, it really helped.

Good luck x

Re: Is he really not ready? Or just being stubborn?

PostPosted: 07 Nov 2015, 17:42
by StJuniper
P wasn't so upset but he never liked interrupting his tasks to go to the potty, so would wait way too long, insist he didn't need to go, and have accidents. I kept putting him back in diapers and trying again in a few weeks, for months and months. Then one day I tried again and it just worked. Nothing changed what I was doing, he was just ready. Kind of wish I hadn't pushed so hard, in retrospect, but in the end no real harm done either way.

Re: Is he really not ready? Or just being stubborn?

PostPosted: 07 Nov 2015, 18:03
by eterna
Hmm...he doesn't want a diaper either though. When I told him that he would have to go back in diapers if he didn't use the potty he got really upset too.

Re: Is he really not ready? Or just being stubborn?

PostPosted: 07 Nov 2015, 21:03
by babydsmummy
That's a tough one of he doesn't want to wear nappies - otherwise I would have said put him back in nappies/pull ups for a while - we did with D and 2 months later tried again and he was loads better. A couple of ideas - cloth pull ups - I believe they don't hold a massive wee but would feel like pants but give some protection. Expensive though. Or the Dry Like Me pads - you can use two pads at a time - front and back - to makes cleaning up accidents easier. I haven't used either product - just things I've heard of and considered. I think I might try the Dry Like Me pads when we try again with J though, the continence nurse has recommended them.

Re: Is he really not ready? Or just being stubborn?

PostPosted: 08 Nov 2015, 05:31
by junglewonderland
We had this for months and months! Refusing to go, lots of accidents, grrrr. Until we said he could watch an episode of Peppa Pig every time we went to the toilet himself. He started to go when he first got the feeling of needing to go, and was very motivated by a tv reward. After a few weeks we took away the reward and I don't think he has had an accident in about 5 months.he is just so used to going when he needs to go now.

Re: Is he really not ready? Or just being stubborn?

PostPosted: 08 Nov 2015, 19:09
by Lily
We used rewards to begin with, too. I did a star chart with different rows for peeing or pooing in the potty, staying dry all day, and telling someone when he needed to go - the idea being to reward some things he was easily capable of, so he'd feel positive about the whole enterprise, but make some elements more challenging. After he'd finished that chart we started another one, this time with stars for using the toilet, peeing standing up, and staying dry overnight. By the time we were halfway through that chart it had all become so normalised that he'd lost interest in the stars.

I think the challenge is to establish a habit so that it becomes the new normal. The hard part is just getting over that initial hump, where their unfamiliarity with the process makes them reluctant. I think that's why external incentives make sense for PTing, even though I would normally try to avoid reward-based parenting strategies.

Re: Is he really not ready? Or just being stubborn?

PostPosted: 09 Nov 2015, 02:34
by eterna
Yeah, it's so tricky because at the start he was so much better (though not with poos). Using the potty wasn't always a fight and it was the "normal". We do give chocolate treats for pooing on the potty (with clean undies). He complains he doesn't want stickers...

Sigh. They did recently lose tv privileges, so maybe allowing shows only on the potty will work as a motivator.

Thanks, I don't remember it being this hard the first time around...