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AIBU?

PostPosted: 07 Jan 2015, 19:52
by pirate_han
If I am being a petulant child please tell me. I can take it! :)

I am having this baby via ELCS at a hospital that is reasonably local to FIL (two buses comparable to the two buses and a short train journey to get to the hospital I had B at). FIL has been different about this pregnancy, because its a boy, and has got on my nerves although I haven't said anything. At Christmas he came over all 'that's my grandson' blah blah blah in a way he has never done with B - not that he ignores her or anything like that, he's perfectly lovely with her, but still it's quite clear that a boy is highly valued <rolls eyes>.

He and his partner mentioned visiting me in hospital. Well his partner said me and he said 'my grandson'. I wasn't expecting this as he showed no interest in visiting B when I had her and IIRC didn't meet her until she was 3 weeks ish? I sort of made some non-committal noises and afterwards I said to DH that I'd rather his Dad didn't visit while we were in hospital - I will be in pain and probably sitting most of the time with my boobs out trying to establish feeding. I don't really want anybody to visit apart from DH, B, and my Mum. DH thinks I'm being unreasonable saying no to a visit (I'm more than happy for him to visit once we're home, just not in hospital) from his Dad if my Mum is coming. I think the relationship is completely different - I know my Mum will visit for no longer than half an hour because she will be conscious of me getting tired, she will be helpful and bring me stuff! I get on well with DH's Dad but would feel uncomfortable saying actually I've had enough now can you go please (whereas at home I could just go and lie down). What do you think? Am I being precious?

Re: AIBU?

PostPosted: 07 Jan 2015, 19:59
by qbm
No. Not precious at all - even if he wasn't being arsey about the sex! All the reasons you give are very valid and anyway, you've said he can visit at home. No big deal IMO.

Re: AIBU?

PostPosted: 07 Jan 2015, 20:05
by pimento
YANBU!!

Re: AIBU?

PostPosted: 07 Jan 2015, 20:07
by mamapup
Nope, you're the one giving birth, you call the shots. Although to be nice you could say to DH that his dad can come as long as he makes it clear he is only allowed to stay for thirty mins.

I told my best friend and her husband they couldn't come after I had the puppy. They wanted to come with champagne. I wanted nothing more than to sit and look at my baby.

Re: AIBU?

PostPosted: 07 Jan 2015, 20:19
by Nix
YANBU

less than 24 hours after Harvey was born, visiting time rolled around and everyone turned up at once. At least 4 of my friends, one cousin and her two daughters, my mum, my sisters, my dad...and DH was there anyway. I blame the restricted visiting times for this but was slightly annoyed that DH hadn't asked them to delay their visit until I was at home. Harvey was feeding every 30 minutes and my blood flow was really heavy, I needed to change clothes every hour. After a c section I would definitely want days, if not a week to just spend with my closest family!

Re: AIBU?

PostPosted: 07 Jan 2015, 20:25
by UnhappyRightFoot
No, YANBU. You know how precious those first few days are - even more so with number 2 - so you NEED to be selfish and you have every right to be. You are asking them to wait a couple of days not several weeks or months! And I would gently remind your DH that he didn't visit B for over 3 weeks so you can't see what the urgency is. Stand your ground - you'll be thankful that you did!

Re: AIBU?

PostPosted: 07 Jan 2015, 20:34
by emzit
I would maybe 'compromise' and tell DH all those reasons but that say that if you're feeling up to
It you will decide on the day, if you want to see him. He doesn't come until or unless you agree.

And then if you don't fancy it... well...

I don't think you're being unreasonable just that it might be an easier option.

Re: AIBU?

PostPosted: 07 Jan 2015, 21:00
by nearlymumtobabyfk
Yanbu, not at all. I remember people coming to see me post section. The first lot I was so high on morphine I can barely remember and then after that I just wanted to be with dp because, well we'd just had a baby together! I plan to be much firmer about who can come when this time. I know it's hard but honestly, stand your ground. People just really need to get over making things about themselves with stuff like this - it really bugs me!

Re: AIBU?

PostPosted: 07 Jan 2015, 23:50
by StJuniper
nearlymumtobabyfk wrote:I know it's hard but honestly, stand your ground. People just really need to get over making things about themselves with stuff like this - it really bugs me!


This. Nothing wrong with being polite, but this is one of those situations where your comfort and instincts really need to take the highest priority. There is a huge difference between your mum and your father-in-law in this situation and your DH should understand that.

Re: AIBU?

PostPosted: 08 Jan 2015, 04:30
by NorthernKitten
Nope - not unreasonable at all. Early times are tricky enough without pressure of unwanted visitors.

As a compromise, could you suggest (to DH) that the first three days or so (am I right in thinking it's 5 days for a section?) are no-go, and then you can reconsider? I know it's slightly different for a vaginal second birth, but the only people seeing Hugo (this child needs a forum name!!) and I in the first 24 hours are DH and munchkin. Not even my mother, not even after driving 150 miles. If we're still in after that point, I'll reconsider.

Re: AIBU?

PostPosted: 08 Jan 2015, 06:19
by pirate_han
Thanks all that's helped. I might show DH :)

I stayed in hospital for three days for B's section but hoping to be home sooner this time. I don't mind him coming when I'm at home because when I've had enough or baby needs a feed I can just wander off to lie down and leave DH to entertain him/deal with all the grandson boasting crap. I can't do that in hospital and I feel awkward. I would dearly love a week with no visitors but I know it's DH's baby too and he wants his family to meet him so that's fine. Just not when I'm feeling vulnerable in hospital!

Re: AIBU?

PostPosted: 08 Jan 2015, 06:24
by junglewonderland
Yanbu. Your mum is soooo different to your fil. Having her around with boobs hanging out is a whole different thing to an older man you have known a few years.

If he is really desperate to see his grandson, could dh take Bubs out to a visitors area to meet fil, while you are "resting" in your room?

Re: AIBU?

PostPosted: 08 Jan 2015, 06:49
by pirate_han
That would be ideal but I'll be on my own most of the time as the hospital only allows B to visit from 1-2:30pm and DH will have to look after her for the rest of the time.

Re: AIBU?

PostPosted: 08 Jan 2015, 07:46
by emzit
Really ph? That's pretty shocking. Doesn't she get classed as immediate family therefore able to be there longer?

Re: AIBU?

PostPosted: 08 Jan 2015, 09:16
by pirate_han
No, they're very clear - partners all day but additional children 1-2:30 and 6:30-8 (but she's in bed at 7). I think she'd be pretty bored after an hour anyway to be honest! :) I'm hoping I'll be booked in on one of her nursery days so DH can stay a while but will have to wait and see.