Worried we‘re not going to cope

[monkeydo]

DH and I seem to be going through a rough patch. On the face of it, we aren‘t, and everything seems fine. We had our first night out without J since he was born last weekend, and had a really lovely time.

But DH just seems totally knackered all the time and I‘m really worried that when baby arrives it will just break us. I can‘t work out what it is and maybe it‘s just pregnancy hormones.

The things that I think are making him knackered are work (he‘s been in a management role for the last 6 months and I‘m not sure he‘s really adjusted yet), J having a spate of early morning wakings (5:30am ish), watching all the world cup games, and his nana being ill and waiting to find out her prognosis (possibly widespread cancer).

We get in from work and stumble through tea time and bath time and bed time like zombies. DH is always on his phone, reading sports news and facebook and lord knows what else (of an adult nature if history is anything to go by). We do communicate but it seems really superficial. If I ask questions about his work or nana he will respond but he seems irritated by me.

At bath time today we were both sitting in the bathroom and I looked at him, he looks totally drained and grey and to my shame all I wanted to do was run away from him and go somewhere away from his irritability and J‘s constant demands and work and sit in a cool quiet place.

I‘m so scared that if he is this tired now, how will we cope with a newborn in the mix?

I‘m not sure this is making any sense....But I had to get it off my chest, so thanks for reading.

[mamapup]

Hugs. It is hard and a newborn is hard but honestly,having just been there, the end of pregnancy is harder , certainly for the woman.

I've found that post children it can be really hard to keep any spark alive or even the memory of a spark but I guess we just have to get through the first few rough years and then things can get easier. I'm sorry you've got other things to deal with too, can't help.

All I can do I assure you this is normal (or seems to be to me). Don't let this worry you unduly. Get through the birth and crazy first few months and hopefully life will start returning to normal. Honestly. We are four months in and evenings are easy again. Two kids in bed by 7.30 and some us time, even if we gobble food and watch tv rather than have deep chats.

I really hope you are ok x

[Kitcameron]

((())) your situation sounds worse than mine was but I felt similarly when I was pg. dh didn't have particularly long working hours but he was doing all housework, getting up early with G, cooking when he got hone from work then doing all bath and bedtimes too plus he lost his old job and got a new one due to depression. Not quite that simple, he wasn't fired for depression or anything illegal but it was stressful.

All I can say is it has gotten a lot better in the five weeks since D was born. It probably does feel worse because of pg hormones but he may also have taken on extra responsibilities since you got pg or he may be worrying about things he's not talking about or any number of things that will hopefully resolve themselves a bit after the birth.

Also, just seeing that gorgeous little newborn somehow gives men extra strength I think. It's sort of a 'me man, me must provide for this poor defenceless baby' kinda thing I think lol. My dh is besotted with both kids and seems to be even more affectionate to G since D was born as well, not that he wasn't affectionate and playful before but now even more so. He just loves spending time with them both. It really has improved loads. He's still shattered, but a kind of good shattered if there us such a thing lol.

Good luck for the next few weeks, hope everything works out well for you guys too. As MP says, the last few weeks of pg and first few with newborns are hard but we can get through it.

[monkeydo]

Thanks for the reassurance. I keep crying today so maybe I am being a little hypersensitive?

I don‘t think DH is doing more around the house especially since the sodding world cup. I do wonder if he is more stressed about the idea of another baby than he‘s letting on.

I think it‘s suprised me a bit because normally he‘s just so laid back. Nothing ever gets to him. When I was pregnant with J we had 3 totally shattering family issues, including his dad having a massive stroke, and he took it all so calmly (not that he wasn‘t emotional etc but he just has always seemed to manage without falling apart). He‘s always been the practical one who tells me it will be fine.

I just don‘t seem to be able to connect with him to see if he is fine. Maybe he doesn‘t want me to?

[robyn]

(((()))) It'll all be fine, it'll be hard work, but it won't finish you off. Maybe he's freaking out about the responsibility of another mouth to feed, thinking about it too much can be daunting!
My DH has stepped up to the plate a bit more with each baby, as have I, you just have to. having the baby around is so much easier than being pg and looking after a toddler as well.

[Aggie]

I know that it takes me ages to recover from particularly bad nights/lack of sleep. Perhaps your DH is taking a while to catch up on his particularly late nights after the World Cup. I think you'll all be fine. (((())))

[UnhappyRightFoot]

(((((()))))

The world cup will be over soon. Then suggest some screen free evenings - have a bath together or something. I know I end up late to bed and knackered if I get engrossed in the computer. Eg, last week, I made an effort to put the electronics away and was generally asleep by 1100-1130, whereas it's usually 1.00-1.30. Last night I got hooked into pinterest, then Pickle needed settling, then snot started running and it was after 2.00am before I switched the light off.

Just as we (mothers) have trouble functioning if we're sleep deprived, so will our men.

One thing I found when the second came along (and friends have told me the same) is that DH stepped up a bit more to help - they have to. They can't sit back and watch the older one flail around while we're dealing with the baby!!! I'm sure things will be fine, but try to stop the late night inducing pointlessness!

xxx

[StJuniper]

The time after R was born was very tough for us with DH exhausted from being required to work tons and me exhausted and overwhelmed with the new baby. Like mp, things did calm down and get sane and are waaaaayyyy less hard than when I was heavily pregnant (and we also mostly eat and watch TV for our couple time!) but something that helped us get through was expressing to each other often how much we missed each other and were looking forward to having more time together. Being too tired for sex and too brain-dead for conversation and starting to feel like we were just sort of living beside each other, it helped to know that we missed what we had and were going to work to get it back, someday, eventually, when small people weren't demanding all of our time and energy.

How does your DH respond to questioning about if there's anything wrong/upsetting him? I find with my DH I often have to guess to get it out of him; i.e. if I say "Are you ok?" he'll just shrug or say yeah, but if I say "You seem down, is it because of work, or is it just because life seems like to much right now?" he will usually tell me if that's it, and if not, what it is.

[FestiveTidings]

You will get through it. I'm not going to lie, it's very hard and a huge adjustment for everyone. You will be weepy at times but that's normal. Even though it's hard and the last thing on your mind, it's important to make contact when DH, even if it's just a cuddle on the couch or 5 mins before bed. Some DH's don't need it (mine didn't first time round) but others do (he did this time round).

I also follow the be specific rule when checking if DH is ok. A general are you happy? You seem down works when we need to talk.

But please don't fret. It does work out xx

[monkeydo]

I asked DH last night if he was ok. He said "I'm fine". I told him I was worried about him because he looked tired, and was anything stressing him, and he shouted at me "I'm fine, for fucks sake". I went to bed and when he came up I asked for a cuddle, which I got but it was me cuddling him, no reciprocity. Maybe my belly is too big and he doesn't want to squash me (clutching at straws?!).

[robyn]

When my DH is being 'off' the absolute worst thing I can do is ask if he's ok, he just gets annoyed. shouting isn't ok though. ((()))

[mamapup]

When my DH is being 'off' the absolute worst thing I can do is ask if he's ok, he just gets annoyed. shouting isn't ok though. ((()))

Here too. My dad and MrC. Both react badly to being asked if they're ok if I think they're not. So sorry, those unreciprocated hugs are aawful.

[A_W]

Let him hang out in his 'cave' for a bit and maybe don't ask him if he's alright til he opens up to talk? Men are a bit weird. I remember my dh getting very stressed about money and new baby no. 2 and no sleep etc. The second time around was so much easier as we were both more confident with tiny babies and nappies etc. I can't remember my dh doing much in the night the second time around as I just got on with it myself. He slept in another room so he was ok for work. Does he have any male friends who could take him out for a drink to chill one night? Or maybe get a comedy/action dvd in and just think about something not related to money, work or babies for a night together?

[monkeydo]

Thanks A_W, I‘ve asked a couple of my mates to ask their other halves to take him out for a drink on Friday, that‘s a really good idea (as long as he doesn‘t get drunk and I go into labour?!). And as long as he doesn‘t know it was my idea!

[Kitcameron]

Men are funny beasts md. Hope his Friday lads night helps. My dh also gets cranky when I ask him if he's ok, if he's not. If he's fine then he doesn't mind me asking lol. I tend to ask what's up rather than are you ok, when I'm fairly sure something is up.