male jobs at birth

More little BLWers in the making... <rubs hands>

male jobs at birth

Postby mamapup » 04 Feb 2014, 22:01

Bit of an admission to make : Mr.c and I paid very little attention at NCT last time as we already knew we were having a.c section. He reckons his role in the birth can't be too hard, bit of supportive breathing and answering for me if I'm incapable. Is there anything else?

I'm going to a government anc tomorrow but haven't asked.him to come along as he can't really spare the time work wise right now. He is pretty ace about having my back when necessary and I trust him completely to make the right decisions should the need arise but does he need to know / do anything specific?
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Re: male jobs at birth

Postby Sallie » 04 Feb 2014, 22:08

Just brief him on what you think you will need. In my case I told my husband I needed him to stay calm, argue with staff for me if they needed arguing with (they didn't but I was worried about getting pushed about as I am terrible at standing up to figures of authority), NOT massage me as I cannot bear that kind of thing when having contractions but to hold my hand, not to leave me in the second stage, which for me meant holding my hand and staying near my head and making eye contact even though he was probably desperate to disappear down the business end and watch the babies come out, and to be incredibly reassuring about how brilliant I was doing during transition when I panic and announce I can't do it/am not doing anything/nothing's happening etc. And NOT to suggest I use drugs just because he might find it uncomfortable to see me being in pain because if I took them I wanted it to be my idea, not a suggestion of somebody else's.
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Re: male jobs at birth

Postby Rosie_t_Riveter » 04 Feb 2014, 22:19

MrRiveter's role at both births was to do what I told him and stfu if no other instructions were forthcoming. :wink: I jest... mostly, but it's a good guideline.

I didn't want to be touched or helped or encouraged through either labour. I'm quite independent and that streak came through loud and clear during labour. He was at both labours and was a brilliant support but I "pulled rank" when he got ahead of himself (asking if the baby was ginger when the MW said she could see the head, for example :wink: )

Have you thought about cutting the cord? MrRiveter was unmoved about it when I asked first time around but when the time came he was glad he did it.

And does he know what you want? I assume he does, but a chat about it can clear up any confusion/assumptions. The most vivid memories I have of MrRiveter at the birth are where he was himself iyswim, relaxed and a partner with me. That's what you need I think, and it's hard to say what that will be until the time comes. HTH.
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Re: male jobs at birth

Postby robyn » 04 Feb 2014, 22:32

Rosie_t_Reindeer wrote:MrRiveter's role at both births was to do what I told him and stfu if no other instructions were forthcoming. :wink:


this!

Dh told the MW's what I was trying to but couldn't, and told me what they were saying when I couldn't hear them. He passed me water. He held the baby when I couldn't due to bleeding. He opassed me my water bottle and picked up the gas and air mouthpiece when I dropped it.
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Re: male jobs at birth

Postby StJuniper » 04 Feb 2014, 22:32

Rosie_t_Reindeer wrote:MrRiveter's role at both births was to do what I told him and stfu if no other instructions were forthcoming. :wink: I jest... mostly, but it's a good guideline.


This, basically. I briefed him on what I wanted out of the birth in case I was incapacitated and my birth plan caught fire and he needed to answer for me, but mostly he just held my hand, got yelled at if he went too far away, and gave me water.
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Re: male jobs at birth

Postby RJandA » 04 Feb 2014, 22:43

Don't leave, don't shout puuuuuuuuush, and don't expect me to make small talk or eye contact.
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Re: male jobs at birth

Postby EnigmaFish » 04 Feb 2014, 23:32

WTAS. There's loads of people at a birth who are there to look after the imminent baby. Your husband's job is to look after you.
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Re: male jobs at birth

Postby UnhappyRightFoot » 04 Feb 2014, 23:48

Make a list of what you would like him to do (rub back, bring snacks, support - in whatever way you want, be your voice - READ YOUR BIRTH PLAN AND KNOW WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU!). The last thing on the list should read "This is what I think now. What I want on the day may be completely different so be prepared and accept that because I'm in labour. The main thing is to do as you are asked".

My list was pretty much keep the pool warm, feed me snacks, hold my hand (not too hard was added second time round), breathe with me, slow me down if I get in a panic, know that hospital is only an option if it is absolutely necessary, and (second time round again) don't let me push too hard!
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Re: male jobs at birth

Postby Nix » 05 Feb 2014, 04:13

Drum your birth plan into him so if you are unable to speak and your midwife is doing something against your wishes he can speak out for you. First birth was a learning curve for us. DH freaked out and dragged me to hospital way too early which led to a series of pain relief interventions that made things slower and panicked me. Second birth I told him he must listen to me. I needed him in the room constantly which he did and I had drummed into him where everything was in the birth bags so he could get me/the midwife things we needed.
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Re: male jobs at birth

Postby supermansmum » 05 Feb 2014, 07:03

I was chatting with another mum at a group the other day and a nanny who was expecting her first. The nanny wasn't sure if she should have her partner or mum with her at birth. The other mum said she had her partner first time and mum the second...why...because during the first birth she started saying "I can't do it" and her husband said "no I don't think you can do it, it looks too hard for you" and he was asking the midwives to "make it stop, she can't do it"......and I though my dh (who was brilliant) spilling water on me was bad enough!!
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Re: male jobs at birth

Postby mamapup » 05 Feb 2014, 07:10

Thanks all. So it seems like Mr.c doesn't need much except to be supportive. Phew. He's usually good at that. He is also good at letting me be the boss generally but then stepping up when I can't so this could be his time to shine!

Better get on with having an opinion and birth plan then.

Thanks all.
In my heart I am Rascalpup, a name awarded during battle with one persistent spammer. I like to think ironside but with sarcasm rather than an axe.

Slightly horrified by my huge number of posts.


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Re: male jobs at birth

Postby Kanga » 05 Feb 2014, 09:33

What they all said. Especially Rosie!! And definitely brief him on birth plan and where you are willing to compromise etc. one main thing I asked dh to do was make sure he offered me a drink every 15 mins or so as with dd I barely drank and therefore didn't pee for 12 hours which wasn't great! That and offering small snacks etc. I also didn't want much in way of being touched but he kept me distracted between contractions.
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Re: male jobs at birth

Postby sabrina fair » 05 Feb 2014, 14:12

Just to provide an alternative to those who didn't want massage, dh did light-touch massage on me pretty much the whole time. It involves running the backs of the fingers really lightly up the back in long swishes. Difficult to describe, but might be worth googling - it's a hypnobirthing technique. He did it down my arm when I was in the bath as well. It's surprisingly effective - it releases endorphins, reminded me to relax, and also just provided the connection I needed to him to help me get through it. It was the only pain relief I had, apart from paracetamol.

Apart from that, definitely making him your spokesman. and making sure he knows and agrees with your birth plan.
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Re: male jobs at birth

Postby BacktoSaz » 05 Feb 2014, 14:19

And he shouldn't try to laugh with the MW about your obsession with the gas & air. (The MW knew better than to join in).
Last edited by BacktoSaz on 05 Feb 2014, 17:59, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: male jobs at birth

Postby DandelionFrosting » 05 Feb 2014, 15:15

It might help to brief him on the stages of labor, so he'll know a bit about what to expect and what to look out for, and maybe have a tiny idea of what you're feeling. And yes, water. My DH was in charge of all the luggage -- my purse, the bag of snacks, making sure any items of clothing that got removed were put away, etc. And allowing his hand to be crushed.
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